Return to the Planet of the Apes - An Animated Barrel of Monkeys

Originally published on Camel City Dispatch here

As a kid in a local elementary after-school program, Fridays were the best. We had regimented homework, physical education, and arts programs Monday through Thursday. But come week’s end, they crowded all of us skinny-legged, bushy-eyed children into the gymatorium, rolled in a tv cart with accompanying VCR, passed out popcorn, and started a flick.

I’m not sure how I was blessed with such awesome after-school counselors my fourth-grade year. But I’m thankful I was. They showed us “Star Wars”, “Indiana Jones”, “Apple Dumpling Gang”, and  “Jungle Book”. While program policy simply stated “PG or less,” that left an unintentionally wide gap for anything pre- “Temple of Doom”. And while I was already well-versed in lightsabers and lassos, an entirely new dimension opened up when they put in Charleton Heston’s finest 2-hours on celluloid.

I couldn’t stop talking about it on the way home that day. The apes had human slaves? Unbelievable. And it was actually Earth? In the future? My 10-year-old brain couldn’t fully process the amount of science-fiction wealth I had just acquired. A few weeks later I demanded we make our way down to Movie Gallery and pick it up from the Dollar-a-Day section, just so I could experience this uncomfortable, Dystopian future one more time. I was insatiable. Had I known at the time there were four other movies, a television series, and an accompanying cartoon show, my parents probably would have spent the summer scouring yard sales just to keep me happy.

But now, thanks to the magic of Al Gore’s internet, and media preservation efforts, I’ve been fortunate enough to revisit those crazy fourth-grade feelings with 20th Century Fox’s short-lived ‘Return to the Planet of the Apes’ animated series.

So how does it hold up?

Well… if you’re looking for your “Planet of the Ape”s fix (that is, anything this side of Marky Mark and an Ape-ified Lincoln Memorial), “Return” is the show for you. The music, animation, and tone of writing all hit those same beats as Schaffner’s original. Look no further than the opening sequence – wispy desert shrubs, a desolate landscape, synthesized background music… then, weird, indiscernible Chewbacca-like objects left crucified upside-down. And BAM: ape face, lightning, thunder, and an up-tempo variation on Jerry Goldsmith’s classic Ape suite. It’s more terrifying that any Tim Burton remake.

The hand-drawn style also lends itself well here. The apes look just as terrifying as they did in any of the original five movies, and the animators were able to toss in shadows, detail, and other subtle flourishes that just weren’t possible with the original makeup crew. When it comes to city-scapes and landscapes, the producers were able to go as big as they wanted without sacrificing budget, and they did exactly that. Even something like a “Planet of the Apes” river-valley looks unmistakably beautiful with the hand-drawn technique unique to cartoon studios pre-personal computer.

But things start falling apart in the animation department. Rather than spend the money on making those beautiful landscapes and apes come to life, they simply drew them on a large sheet of paper and let the camera pan/zoom. A lot. If there was an animation corner that the producers could cut, they did it. Something as simple as reusing a minor animation seems innocuous at first, but by the time you’ve seen the same cave man (with minor beard-color variations and scenery changes) act out the exact same running sequence on the exact same side of the frame THREE times – within a five minute span, mind you – it makes you start doubting your own sanity (what did Krispy Kreme put in that cream-filled donuts, exactly?). Early in the second episode an ape is delivering some type of sciencey-speech to his non-humanoid counterparts, and the first time the camera pans through the room before zooming in, it’s a neat way to set the mood. But when that same exact thing immediately happens again – just with different dialogue spliced over the scene – you’re unsure if anybody actually watched it before sending it to air.

And the list goes on… lifeless human faces see their lips move when talking but not much else, lending a weird sense of puppeteer to almost every character. Those zooms and pans I complained about earlier? The show is ALWAYS moving the camera, to the point where “Cloverfield” probably looks like a multicam sit-com by comparison.

By the time I recognized all these early animation quirks, I couldn’t stop noticing them. In every single scene. Every few seconds. It probably wouldn’t be quite so bad if the voice work elevated these moments in some way. But I’m pretty sure Aldous Huxley was inspired to write “Brave New World” only AFTER hearing the initial “Beneath the Planet of the Apes” voice-casting tapes.

The plot is manageable if not exciting. I’m just a little confused about timeline continuity. It seems to take place following the initial movie series and TV show. However, ape civilization is far more advanced than anything we witness from “Planet” to “Battle”. Either the apes did a bang-up job of hiding all their fancy cities and airplanes, or they made simian-sized evolutionary leaps following the live-action series.*

It’s not all bad news, however. The show’s plot sticks pretty closely to the Apes-mythos by discussing the epic war that killed all of humanity, and also by bringing in fan-favorite Dr. Zaius. The musical bombast of every 70s cartoon or tv-series is in full-effect here. And the cave people are donning their best Hillbilly Jim impressions, so there’s that. Plus, phrases like ‘time-thrust!’ and clever witticisms such as, “The beast seems to have almost ape-like intelligence!” both hallmarks of the original Apes franchise, work their way in. I was also happy to learn that the show doesn’t pander to it’s audience, or dumb it down for the sake of kids – unlike similar 1990s movie spin-offs.

Is the show worth watching? Depends. Are you at the height of ape-frenzy after catching ‘Dawn’? Have you exhausted all other franchise materials? Then check this one out. Are 70s cartoon spin-offs your thing, and you’ve memorized every line of ‘Star Trek TOS dialogue? You’ll feel right at home here. Otherwise, sitting through “Return” is probably more work than what it’s worth.

Which is a shame, really. “Return to the Planet of the Apes” hits all the perfect notes with show tone, story, and design. It feels like a “Planet of the Apes” installment should. But shoddy animation and lackluster voice-acting end up making this series duller than a Charleton Heston-less NRA rally.